Hair

What is it about chicks and hair? Seriously, we all have it and it’s time we all started to deal with it.
· Let’s go from the bottom up. I have hairy legs, and I like them. I can wipe chicken grease off my hands without a serviette. Is there even a need for another reason not to shave? If I was a cyclist and losing my balls, then I would shave (it would make evolutionary sense). I am not, however, losing my balls. So don’t ask me to shave. No, it will not be ‘fun’.

You may shave your legs. You may wax, epilate, laser or fucking atomic bomb the hair, I don’t care. If you haven’t shaved in a while, I can look past it. In summer, keep that shit tidy.

· Bikini line/groin: I haven’t totally made up my mind on this one. As far as I’m concerned, my precious guys need their warm nesty lining and that hair is going nowhere. For girls, I think tidy is the rule. Keep it neat; only knights in the olden days want to wade through a bushy undergrowth to rescue you from the evil spell of loneliness. On the other hand, it’s perverted to want to do a 12-year old. I like my women to look like women, so please don’t remove every single strip of hair in sight. It’s creepy and I feel like I could go to jail.

· Underarms: Shave that shit. Men smell like men and can keep it damp. You should smell like flowers and rainbows and hair contributes nothing to that. No room for argument.


· Facial: A guy can pull off just about any form of facial hair. Goatees and bokkies and lambchops and any other style of facial hair named after something you ride/eat should never appear on straight men. Gays, you have the monopoly. The ‘stash is the ultimate sign of manliness. Just compare these two pictures and tell me which one you would rather have as your hunter-gatherer.

If girl’s have facial hair, they should lose it. It’s just weird, and not even a mother could love that face:

You pluck your eyebrows, it’s sexy. You pluck my eyebrows, I break your face. Again, it will not be ‘fun’. Yes it does ‘hurt’. No, you are not the better sex because you have a ‘higher pain threshold’. Where is that man who said: women pluck their eyebrows, wax their legs, epilate their bikini lines, get botox, facelifts, breast implants etc. But why won’t they have anal? Because it ‘hurts’.

· Head hair: Ladies, you spend too much money on this. WAY too much money. It’s just hair. 1 bottle of head ‘n shoulders lasts you a year and you’re good to go. Guys actually LIKE the colour mousey-brown (which apparently is actually the natural colour of every girl’s hair). You don’t need it cut and coloured and straightened and curled and blow-dryed and under-dryed and moussed and waxed and shit there is a long list of things you can do to ultimately ruin your hair.

Keep it natural, keep it sexy. Not much more is required.

I'll put a crown on this natural little princess anyday: